Dear eensy, weensy spider:
You are scary. I know that you're just eensy. But you're scary. You pack a punch of scariness, despite your size.
Or so I thought.
Until I saw EXTRA scary spider chasing after you. I think extra scary spider is extra scary for BOTH of us. But I still don't really feel like I've bonded with you.
I sincerely wish that you had stayed outside. Not just because you're scary. But because you brought extra with you. And that? Means I have to kill you both.
I'm building up my courage. Really. I'm semi-sorry I have to do it, eensy. And sadly, you're going to have to go first. Honestly? Because extra's going to take a bit more time to get courage to kill.
Best wishes,
E
P.S. I hear heaven's pretty awesome. But I don't personally stay in contact with anyone that's been there. So you'll just have to take my word for it.
I, too, share your fear of spiders and have to get up the courage to kill them. When I was ten or eleven, there were several times that I would stand in my room, staring at a spider and cry for hours and hours because no one else would kill it. I was also going to write a post about spiders this week. Maybe I'll wait a few days, but anyway, good luck with eensy and extra.
ReplyDeleteMost sincere letter ever. I feel so sad for eensy. And am worried about why extra would be chasing eensy. Are they in a love triangle? Or is he just hungry. Oh eensy. So sad.
ReplyDeleteBut YOU are fabulous and hilarious and I adore you. Sorry for being a lame sister.
Um. YIKES.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me sad. Eensy spiders should be put outside to live happy lives! Shame!
ReplyDeleteBig spiders, on the other hand, should be brutally murdered with a shoe.
Dear Giant Woman,
ReplyDeleteLife has been a bit hard recently. There seems to be fewer bugs around to eat and it has been cold. Plus there is a really scary big spider who has recently come into my neighborhood. I've never been a tough spider, but I held my own. I mean, I have those scary looking eyes that look in so many direction. And I have the long legs that allow me to creep along in a very evil looking manner. And I can build a web that strikes fear in the hard of most bugs and quite a few humans. But this new spider. Well, he scared me to my core. Then I found a warm place. A place of peace. Only to be pursued by scary spider. Please kill him first giant woman. Please.
Sincerely,
Eensy Spider
P.S. I am sorry to have invaded your territory and fully understand the consequences. Thank you for your consideration.
Muahhh. I am staring at you while you sleep, giant woman. And I am hungry.
ReplyDeletep.s. Your screams just make me hungrier.
Dear extra EXTRA scary spider,
ReplyDeleteNot cool. Move to a warmer climate, away from me. You creep me out.
I'd like to point out that if I'm sleeping, I doubt my screams have much to do with you or your voyuerism -- since I'm sleeping and, technically, don't know you're there.
Keep your distance while I sleep, because I really, really don't want you to be one of the seven spiders I eat the year.
Sincerely,
E
Open note to all spiders:
ReplyDeleteStop calling me giant. You're giving me a complex.