Dear eensy, weensy spider:
You are scary. I know that you're just eensy. But you're scary. You pack a punch of scariness, despite your size.
Or so I thought.
Until I saw EXTRA scary spider chasing after you. I think extra scary spider is extra scary for BOTH of us. But I still don't really feel like I've bonded with you.
I sincerely wish that you had stayed outside. Not just because you're scary. But because you brought extra with you. And that? Means I have to kill you both.
I'm building up my courage. Really. I'm semi-sorry I have to do it, eensy. And sadly, you're going to have to go first. Honestly? Because extra's going to take a bit more time to get courage to kill.
Best wishes,
E
P.S. I hear heaven's pretty awesome. But I don't personally stay in contact with anyone that's been there. So you'll just have to take my word for it.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
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8 comments:
I, too, share your fear of spiders and have to get up the courage to kill them. When I was ten or eleven, there were several times that I would stand in my room, staring at a spider and cry for hours and hours because no one else would kill it. I was also going to write a post about spiders this week. Maybe I'll wait a few days, but anyway, good luck with eensy and extra.
Most sincere letter ever. I feel so sad for eensy. And am worried about why extra would be chasing eensy. Are they in a love triangle? Or is he just hungry. Oh eensy. So sad.
But YOU are fabulous and hilarious and I adore you. Sorry for being a lame sister.
Um. YIKES.
This makes me sad. Eensy spiders should be put outside to live happy lives! Shame!
Big spiders, on the other hand, should be brutally murdered with a shoe.
Dear Giant Woman,
Life has been a bit hard recently. There seems to be fewer bugs around to eat and it has been cold. Plus there is a really scary big spider who has recently come into my neighborhood. I've never been a tough spider, but I held my own. I mean, I have those scary looking eyes that look in so many direction. And I have the long legs that allow me to creep along in a very evil looking manner. And I can build a web that strikes fear in the hard of most bugs and quite a few humans. But this new spider. Well, he scared me to my core. Then I found a warm place. A place of peace. Only to be pursued by scary spider. Please kill him first giant woman. Please.
Sincerely,
Eensy Spider
P.S. I am sorry to have invaded your territory and fully understand the consequences. Thank you for your consideration.
Muahhh. I am staring at you while you sleep, giant woman. And I am hungry.
p.s. Your screams just make me hungrier.
Dear extra EXTRA scary spider,
Not cool. Move to a warmer climate, away from me. You creep me out.
I'd like to point out that if I'm sleeping, I doubt my screams have much to do with you or your voyuerism -- since I'm sleeping and, technically, don't know you're there.
Keep your distance while I sleep, because I really, really don't want you to be one of the seven spiders I eat the year.
Sincerely,
E
Open note to all spiders:
Stop calling me giant. You're giving me a complex.
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