is failure. But not in the job interview sort of way: "My biggest weakness is that I'm afraid of failure and that just drives me to work harder and always put out a superior product."
Some might argue my biggest fear is somewhat related and you, too, may construe it as hype in the end, but allow me to explain. I'm not afraid of failure because failure itself is scary. I'm afraid of failure because my biggest life ambition is to make a difference to people, to make the world a better place, to make things more beautiful, peaceful, happy and meaningful. To me, a general failure equates to failure (sorry -- not another word in my head at 1 a.m.) to meet ANY of those goals.
I'm afraid of not meaning anything to anyone. Probably because I'm continually surprised by how little anyone actually means to anyone else. Unfortunately, I think most people care for a very small handful of people, but mostly about themselves. I'm probably like that, too. But I don't want to be. And I'm afraid I'll never be in anyone's handful. I've been stung to learn I'm not in some the handfuls I thought I was in. But that's good for the ego, I suppose. And I'm sure it's my fault, anyway.
But not meaning anything to anyone is really a symptom of not being able to make a difference to that person, to make their life better, easier, or happier. And that? Is tragic to me. Because I failed to meet their needs -- failed to get to know them enough to do it successfully. Failed to be selfless enough to let them know how much they are loved. Maybe even failed to be selfless enough to love them. Ugh...
I'm afraid that I'm only a little good at a lot of things, and not very good at most things (possibly anything). This is an incredible blessing and a mild curse. It's hard to know where to place my focus, because so many things are interesting to me. There are so many avenues to pursue. I have so many opportunities and doors open to me. How could someone so outwardly brag and complain at the same moment? How can someone even complain about that?
The thing is: I'm afraid THAT means that I'll never really accomplish anything. Not only do I not really know WHERE to focus, I'm not even sure I want to focus on one thing. I have a passion for too many things, and not enough time to devote to any of them to become adequate. And being inadequate (or -- at least -- not fully adequate) means I'm not very close to making someone's life better, making the world better, or making things generally more beautiful, peaceful, happy and meaningful.
Sorry, I'm rambling and I have a lot of thoughts in my head. Maybe you'll get more on this later when I'm coherent. So, dear reader (although I hope someday to say "readers"), tell me something: What do you fear? How do you get around your fears? Do you have any advice for me?
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9 comments:
I think you described my biggest fear, too. There are so many things I'm interested in, so many things I want to DO. But there's not time for all of them, and I even when I do one, I get stuck with the word that probably sums it all up: mediocrity. I'm afraid that I'm mediocre in everything I do. It makes me think of these two quotations: "We are too prone to be satisfied with mediocre performance. We are capable of doing so much better," from President Hinckley, and the other which I can't find at the moment, but paraphrased is "The Lord won't stop you from making mediocre decisions" from someone in the last conference. So what do I learn? That I probably am mediocre. I don't know how to solve it. Frustrating.
As a creepy anonymous blog reader, I just want to say that the fact that you have these feelings says a lot about you.
You have great unselfish goals in mind, even if you haven't found a way to translate them into action yet. You are an inherently virtuous person. You will find a way to make a meaningful difference.
You're wrong about a couple of things, though. It seems to me that if you are excluded from someone's "handful," the fault lies with them rather than with you. You seem to genuinely care about helping people and making a difference in their lives. Even if someones "handful" is full, why would they not want another friend like you? Or 100 more friends like you? Even if you can't find a way to improve their life, the fact that you have a desire to do that should be reason enough for them to want to be around you.
You've also been thinking about focus. It's a positive thing to have many passions and interests. But as you've found, the time in the day (and in our lives) is limited. It's important to identify the things in your life that serve your true values and try to focus on them. The old phrase is true: the good is the enemy of the best.
I hope that it's OK that I commented here. I've been thinking about many of the same things that you have, and I wanted to share. There is far too little of this type of sincere, revealing writing these days, and I was glad to find your post.
Michelle- I'm not sure about the mediocre thing. Your quotes made me think of another by Elder Holland (and a hundred other leaders of the LDS Church). It's something to the effect of: "If you are sincerely trying your best to do what's right and fulfill your potential, God will not let you fail." That's not to say he'll do ANYthing for us. We still have to work hard, but God provides miracles and blesses us with our righteous desires in his own time.
But your quotes have me thinking. Look for another post about mediocrity soon. I was already considering it, but you've swayed me toward doing it.
Anonymous-WELCOME! And thanks for your kind words. I'm sad we can't talk more. I appreciate your thoughts. I'm not sure what you've been thinking lately, but it seems like you're reaching a good balance, and I appreciate that you took time to share. Come back any time!
If these thoughts appear twice, it's because I'm lame and do not understand this comment thing. But it seems to me, however little comfort it provides, that you are experiencing what is that uniquely human condition. We fear meaninglessness, and aloneness. We experience the world, and wonder whether it matters. We love, or want to love, and wonder whether it matters. We observe, and interpret, and try, and wonder whether that matters, either. People deal with that in different ways. Some may assert that religion is one way; others, relationships/marriage; others, art; others, yoga; others, therapy/medication. I have no opinion which is "right." I wish only that whatever people choose or discover, it brings them peace. More pointedly, I wish for you strength in your journey, and resulting quiet. Also, I care about you. Also, you are not alone.
Jen- Thanks for your thoughts. I agree with you. Just to clarify: I'm not totally despondent -- thinking I have no meaning. More: I think there is potential for me to have lots of meaning. That religion, relationships, therapy, art, yoga, what-have-you are all good: that means unlimited potential. This is both exciting and overwhelming. And I don't want the overwhelming nature of unlimited possibility to render me useless and prevent me from achieving greater things. I don't want to close doors, but I realize I can't do everything. Can I trust my prioritization? Can I actually priortize? Does that make sense?
Finally. Thanks for caring about me. You're good people and I like you.
You're in my handful. Thanks for that.
Dammit, I just came here to tell you that you're in my handful, and Sarah beat me to it.
e-
what you say makes sense. i guess i'd just say that there is, in my opinion, no need to "prioritize". you'll do what you're motivated to do, and i know you well enough i think to know that you'll do your best. whether that's spending time with friends, or making those weird tiny animal things to give to other people, or saving africa. the world is moved and changed in different ways. samantha power changed the discussion on genocide. my mother changed every bit of the small space around her. i'd argue that my mother had just as big an impact, and made as much of a difference in the world, as samantha power or the humanitarian worker in sudan or prophets or kings. great achievements. equally great achievements.
here are my thoughts (and, as always, take them for what they're worth): love the ones you love, DO the things you care about, and rest assured that it's not at all reasonable or do-able or necessary to REALLY care a whole lot about or think that you have to focus on a plethora of things. i think, inside, you know what/who interests you. there's a spark, yeah? so: do your best to act on those interests, and i think the world will change. yours, and very likely, others'.
I'm scared of sharks. What I do is watch YouTube videos showing shark attacks, make myself cry and then vow never to step foot anywhere near the ocean. So far so good.
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