Maybe this is why I don't like artificial Christmas trees?

One of my biggest weaknesses is: I really, really dislike artificiality. In fact, I may go so far as to say I hate it. And the problem with that is: I'm not very good at lying or disguising my thoughts sometimes.

I really have a hard time with people that say one thing and do another; that pretend you're their best friend when you're around and do just the opposite when you're not -- or really couldn't care less if they see you ever again (as evidenced by the fact that you never do); that ask you a question and don't really care to hear the answer; that do everything so they appear a certain way; who are entirely different depending on who they are with; who let their lives be defined by being anti-something and never pro anything. How does anyone know who these people really are? What do these people stand for? And, lately, I feel like that's how most people I know are. Even people I thought weren't. And, sometimes, that makes me discouraged.

Maybe I'm artificial, too. I'm sure I have my moments. And maybe that's why it bothers me so much -- you dislike most in others what you dislike in yourself. So, New Year's Resolution 2: become less artificial. Maybe that will help. Because I don't like disliking people.

So, if you want to help me out, I'm up for it. Don't feel like you need to barrage my blog with suggestions, but I guess you can if you want.

I was reading a blog today...

that a friend wanted me to read and one of the posts was titled "no one wants to be e".

One can't help but think, "Fabulous. And what does that mean about me?"

I can't drink.

That's all.

I think that at least once a day for something like the last two weeks, I just spill all over myself. And, there's really no excuse. I mean, I haven't even been to the dentist since August -- no numb mouth.

Maybe it's good. Maybe it's an Ela Woman moment, and my water would be poisonous if I actually figured out how to ingest it, and... um... maybe the dust on my skirts is trying to kill me, so it drowns. Ok. I'm stopping now. Before I hurt myself.

I am woman; hear me roar!

Yesterday, I overheard this conversation about "Wicked:"

Kate: You know that song "Defying Gravity," when she's up in the air? How do they get her in the air?
Emily: On a string.
K: But, what if she breaks the string?
E: She won't break it! She's a woman!

On holiday

Sometimes, it amazes me how beautiful some places can be.

Ode to Strawberry Water

So deliciously
Refreshing and brisk, your stream
Of flavor delights.

Sorry, OJ; I still love you, -- greatly -- but I think my favorite drink has changed.

Backpack with legs

I was thinking recently about me. Maybe I do that too much, but I was thinking about me in jr. high; if you're doing that, you're probably not going to get conceited. Anyway, when I started jr. high, I took my brother Jon with me to pick out my backpack. (More accurately, he took me. And Jon's always perfect for that kind of thing.)

I ended up getting a big ol' camping backpack, which doesn't make a lot of sense for school necessarily, but I knew no one else would have my backpack. And, at the time, I thought it was pretty cool.

I could fit basically my whole locker in there, which I did. And it was really big. One day, near the end of my jr. high career, when I was walking down the hall to meet my ride with a very full homework load, my French teacher came up behind me. When he passed me, he looked over to see the poor bloke that had such a large load. When he realized it was me, he exclaimed, "Vincent! I didn't realize that was you. From behind, you just look like a backpack with legs."

That's when I realized I wasn't ever going to be cool.

4%. That's a pretty low rate.

A representation of all the places I've been. I've got to improve that. 4% is just not going to cut it for me. Places high on my list:

• Australia
• Argentina
• The Caribbean
• India
• Israel
• Netherlands

Of course, there are a million more, including Germany, Switzerland, Egypt, Kenya, Japan, Russia, Mexico. Pretty much anywhere. I heard a rumor that with 150,000 SkyMiles, you can fly around the world, as many flights as you want, as long as they all go the same direction each time. Always east or always west. Here's to gaining 150,000 miles. :)

When I was in Africa last year, I met all sorts of interesting people who were just travelling the world, for months on end. Quit their jobs, packed up their life, and went on the road. In some ways, I was a little envious. I loved talking to them about their lives and imagining doing something like that. I wonder when time runs out to do something like that? Can you still do that when you're 30? 40? For now, I'll just have to settle for a trip to St. George, for work, at the end of the month.

Conflict Management

This clip resonates well with me right now. Well, not really, but I do need some serious conflict management at work.

E-mo

It seems that people can never be content with just "E." There have been many iterations of my nickname, including Elizzy, E-ster, and Ebert. The latest? E-mo. It is gradually taking over my office. My friend Craig thinks its "cute" and "endearing" and has started to promulgate it to everyone.

It actually started as "Mo" -- short for "Moses" because of my ability to part the elevator doors. It was my fault that stuck, because I said it wouldn't. As soon as I said that, "Mo" became commonplace. Then, one day, Craig said, "See you later, E. Mo! Hey! E-mo!" And a new nickname was born. I guess the origination could be MUCH worse. And I like that people give me nicknames.

So, if you've been looking for one, here you have it. But, don't think that I'm going to start cutting my wrists, wearing tight jeans, listening to miserable punk music, or covering my face with dark hair; I'm not that kind of emo.

A new do for the new you, I mean, me

So, I went to get my hair "trimmed" today. But, after talking with Shawn about the things going on in my life (including my quarter-life crisis), he decided that I needed a new hair cut. He didn't tell me quite how new until the end -- when I saw this:

I think I like it. It's different, but he says I "wear it well." And "thank you so much for letting me do that." The best thing about going to Shawn is that I've gone to him for years and he knows what I like, don't like and the ins-and-outs of my hair. We have similar styles. So, although I'm kind of freaking out, I know I'll be happy. And, of course, I love the color. In fact, someone in Disneyland told me I had the "prettiest color of hair [she'd] ever seen."

In other semi-related news, it was a good thing that I was able to get my hair done, because Shawn left right after my cut to be with his wife while she delivers a baby! I swear, it's the best birth control out there to hear about those things. She's going to have it natural at a midwife clinic. Ugh. (Although I know more and more people doing the midwife thing. Interesting.)

Enough about me and frivilous things. I promise to write something more interesting soon. :)

Chipping Away

37 flavors of potato chips, 5 people, 1 evening of "fun"

Dave came in town to surprise Mom and Dad, which was great, but I was afraid I was going to miss him (since I was visiting Rache -- which was great!). Fortunately for me, he was able to stick around for another night AND he didn't just have a surprise for Mom and Dad. He had one for us, too. Potato Chips. Hundreds of potato chips.

I'm not sure how it is that we convince ourselves to eat the grossest things, like Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Similar to past history with these beans, we had a potato chip eating test. But, instead of simply stomaching something undesirable, we performed a blind taste test to see if we could determine which flavor was which.

Step 1: Layout the chips according to flavor

Step 2: Fold the papers that label the chips, number and shuffle

Step 3: Eat. Until you're sick of potato chips. And you think you might never want to eat them again. Mark which number you think matches each flavor

And the flavors (I only matched 11 correctly):

Cheese and Onion

• Mature Cheddar and Chive
• Red Leicester and Spring Onion
• Cheese and Onion
• Soulmate Cheeses with Onion
• Vintage Cheddar and Carmelized Shallots
• Somerset Cheddar and Red Onion
• Cheddar and Onion

Meat

• Lamb and Mint (I got that one, It was DISGUSTING!!! Ugh.)
• Roast Chicken
• Oven-Roasted Chicken with Lemon and Thyme
• Steak and Onion
• Roquefort and Smokey Bacon
• Melted Cheese and Bacon
• Beef Chili
• Flame-Grilled Steak
• Lincolnshire Sausage and Wholegrain Mustard
• Honey Roast Wiltshire Ham
• Honey Roast Ham

Salts

• Cider Vinegar and Sea Salt
• Salt and Vinegar
• Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar
• Sea Salt, Malt Vinegar with a Twist of Lemon
• Sea Salt with Crushed Black Peppercorn

Oriental and Spicy

• Thai Sweet Chili
• Gently Infused Lime and Thai Spices
• Oriental Spring Onion
• Spicy Jalepeno Chili and Lemon
• Mango Chili
• Spicy Tomato Barbeque

Residual

• Sour Cream and Chive
• Worchestershire Sauce with Sun-Dried Tomato
• Prawn Cocktail
• Crispy Seaweed and Miso
• Yogurt, Cucumber and Mint
• Parsnip with Honey and Black Pepper

Yes is was gross. But it was fun! Thanks, Dave.

Final Scores: Anne -- 21, Dave -- 18, Sare -- 11, E -- 11, Tyler -- 8.

Expecting

So, the other day, I wore this to work:

MC and I picked out as the cutest thing of all the million things in a Forever 21 store. Of course I had to wear a black sweater with it, and I wore pants with it, because I think that's the style. I don't have leggings, and I'm anti-leggings anyway. I can't wear jeans to work, but I don't have "skinny" jeans anyway. (As a side note, I noticed that the zippered leg jeans are back. I called that last year and people mocked me saying that "not everything from the 80's will come back." Well, they did.) So, I wore black pants that are relatively straight legged. I figured that was best.

What I didn't know is that this "shirt" is listed as a "dress" on the Forever 21 site. It's not that long, so I'm sure it's meant to be worn with something, but maybe that something is ONLY leggings. So the following scenario may be my fault:

I'm walking to meet with one of the VPs of Intermountain. His secretary comes out of his office just as I'm arriving and says: "Oh! I didn't know you... Are you... When are you... It's so great that..." In response to my semi-blank look, she looks to my left hand, notices that I don't have a ring and says, "Oh. Never mind. Sorry."

All I could do was kind of laugh inside, smile, and say, "It's ok. I'm not pregnant, but that's a great idea for when I am." Or something like that. I mean, I didn't follow the fashion guidelines exactly, and even if I had, it's not reasonable to expect her to be up on the latest fashion, which is, I must say, a little maternity-esque.

I've never really thought of myself as old enough to be having children, although obviously I am. So, not only am I not expecting a little bun in the oven, I wasn't expecting her comment. Mostly because I wasn't expecting that other people would think of me as old enough to have children, either. Nor was I expecting that -- the first time someone said that to me -- I'd find it so wholeheartedly amusing and not a bit offensive. So, I'm not sure what I'm expecting, but it sounds like I best start expecting something.

Sport Stacking, anyone?

So, when I was in Colorado, the kids were telling me about a new "sport" that they do in gym class called Cup Stacking. I think the official name now is "Sport Stacking." Anyway, basically what you do is stack cups in pyramids -- and take them down -- as quickly as you can. There are 12 cups and different patterns you are supposed to do it in. At least if you want to compete.

To encourage them and be supportive of their new endeavors at school, MC bought them a cup stacking set. I practiced by building 4 pyramids of 3 and taking them down. My best time? 5.92 seconds or something. "That's pretty fast," you may think. (Especially if you've tried it. And you probably haven't.) Well, check THIS out.

The crazy thing is: that's not on fast-forward. She's really that fast. I almost bought a speed stacking kit, just to practice. Because... I mean... wow.

Inspired by real events...

I thought that it might be requisite to explain "Ela Woman." She is, of course, most of the world's favorite heroine, but in case you are unfamiliar, I will enlighten you. Ela Woman (ee la woo m-uh n) was created circa 1990. I suppose she was inspired by my interactions with the world... (For more on this topic, come back to see an interview with the cartoonist.) There are a few trademarks of any "Ela Woman" comic that, if you know what you're looking for, serve as indication that you are viewing a genuine, original strip. In the words of the esteemed cartoonist, David Vincent:

• "Ela Woman always escaped death because her opponents accidentally killed themselves. They would be about to slice her up with knives, but would instead slice themselves up. Or they would be about to shoot her with guns (I believe that was the plot of Ela Woman vs. the Abraham Lincolns From Mars), but then they accidentally shot themselves in the head instead of her (doh!). "


• "Other Ela Woman hallmarks [must be] present -- for instance, stylistic simplicity yet inconsistency."

For this blog, I have convinced Dave to come out of retirement for another edition, as seen below. (This is also found in the header, but I thought a larger version here may be helpful.) The realm of his creativity knows no bounds, as he worked effortlessly to incorporate real life events in the comic strip. (Yes. I did sneeze mouthwash all over the bathroom, and it may very well be that the Old Western Movie Stars of Doom were lurking nearby -- in invisiblity cloaks, or in miniature form. Thank goodness I always escape somehow.)

A final thought from Dave about "Ela Woman vs. the Fiendish Old Western Movie Stars of Doom:" "What I like best about this version is how happy you are to be using your mouthwash."

Don't we all?

Rosie

Today, I held a tarantula. A "friendly Chilean Rose Hair tarantula." Pretty much it was freaky.

I was at the Butterfly Pavilion in Broomfield, CO. Everyone else could handle it. MC opted not to do it, since she had before. Jeff did just fine. All the kids did just fine. And I freaked out. They told me that I needed to calm down or else "Rosie" would bite me. (Apparently, tarantulas don't often bite unless they feel threatened.) Yeah. That helped me calm down.

Usually, an experience with Rosie involves her walking across two hands. But not for me. Too much risk I guess, since I am, evidently, a wimp. I had just one hand. I had a spider walking across my hand, and it was only about 4 seconds, but I think that was about 4 seconds too long. (I really did ok... ish.) Here's to confronting your fears. At least I got a sticker out of it. I wore it proudly around the Pavilion for the rest of the afternoon.

I tried to have Chloe take a picture of me, but it was too blurry, so I've included one of Jack instead. Happy as a clam. Cute as one, too.

And the butterflies were cool. Here's one called "Greater Mormon," but it's from Malaysia. Go figure.

Caffeine? Near Temple Square?

The remodel of downtown has left me with dwindling choices for lunch. To eat within about a block proximity from work, I can go to Martine on 100 South, and that's basically it. Now, I like Martine, but I don't want to eat there every day. There are a few other choices, but in general, the food is lacking.

And so today, I heard about a new choice, provided by the Church in my hour of need, called "Nauvoo Cafe." It's located on the main level of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building on the west side. It was not bad. But, the MOST interesting part is that they serve Coke with caffeine! That's a first for the restaurants that are part of the "Temple Square Hospitality Corporation." What's next? A singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park? (Yes. I did steal that line from a Muppet movie.)